Scene A
INT. – Moe’s Tavern
Moe is behind the bar holding a large empty jug. Seated around the bar are Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two Bar Flies.
MOE
Ok, you all know the drill. Before you all get
smashed, everyone put your keys in the jug and
we draw a designated driver.
Collective grunts and complaints as everyone tosses their keys in the jug
MOE
Ok Homer, who’s ever keys you draw, that’s whose
stayin’ sober.
Camera pans faces of the room. The Bar Flies are nervous. Carl is nervously biting his fingernails in anticipation. Lenny is shaking his head as if to say ~please not mine~, Barney has a noose around his neck; ready to tighten if his keys are picked.
HOMER
Right!
(Blindly reaches into the jug)
Please… not… my keys, please…
Homer takes out a large rat, legs squirming around.
HOMER (cont’d)
Aww Moe, I got the rat again.
MOE
(to the rat)
Oh! For god’s sakes… I told you to stay in your room
Francis!
Moe takes the rat and places him on the bar. The rat scurries into a little rat-sized door resembling a doggie door. The rat runs through the door and comfortably nestles himself into a soft fluffy yellow bed. We pull out to reveal that it is the inside of the bar’s popcorn machine.
MOE (cont’d)
(to Homer)
Pick again Homer!
Homer picks again and takes out some keys attached to a novelty key chain license plate that reads “BARNEY.”
There are collective hoots and cheers from the relieved parties as we pan the room.
When we get to Barney, he is shown already passed out, lying on the bar in a pool of his own drool.
CARL
Hey, how’s about if we choose a designated driver
a different way.
MOE
Ok. I’m a gonna write down a number from one to a
billion. Whoever picks the number closest to it drives
everyone home tonight.
Moe takes out a piece a paper and a pencil from behind the bar and begins to write a number. It takes him an uncomfortably long time as it is obviously a very large number. He flips the paper over and continues on the other side.
MOE
Ok, we’ll start over here.
Moe points to Bar Fly #1, seated at one end of the bar.
BAR FLY #1
One!
BAR FLY #2
Two!
CARL
Three!
LENNY
Four!
HOMER
(with fingers crossed)
Five!!
Moe reveals the number
MOE
It was 351,679,419!
HOMER
(taking a sip of beer)
He he he, sucks for you Carl!
MOE
(taking the beer from Homer)
You lost Homer!
HOMER
Awwww, I shoulda gone with ten!
______________________________
SCENE B
INT – Homer’s Car
Homer is driving. Barney is passed out in the passenger seat with his head out the window. Lenny and Carl are flailing around in the backseat as happy drunks.
Homer is steaming angry and sober, clenching his teeth and the steering wheel.
LENNY
(drunk and slurring)
Hey Carl (hiccup) do you think I look like
Tom Seleck???
CARL
(drunk and slurring)
That’s it!! I was trying to (hiccup) figure it out
all night who you thought you looked like.
LENNY
People tell me that I’m like Tom Seleck and that
I look like him… but I don’t even have a mustache.
CARL
(puts his hand on Lenny’s shoulder)
You should grow a mustache Lenny. YOU… REALLY…
(beat) SHOULD!
HOMER
(on the verge of tears)
Homer’s Inner Monologue: Last week Carl told ME
that I should grow a mustache.
HOMER
THAT’S IT!! I don’t know why I have to be the designated
driver anymore. Barney is perfectly fine to drive!
We cut to Barney, who has his hand tightly pressed against his lips to hold back his vomiting.
HOMER
Oooooohhh. Gotta get home already!
Homer steps on the gas and accelerates.
Out the rear window, we see police lights and hear a siren. Homer is being pulled over.
HOMER
D’oh!
A police officer is walking towards Homer’s car. His silhouette seems to be that of Chief Wiggum.
HOMER
(nervously)
Everyone be cool. I’ll do the talking.
LENNY
Ahh, don’t take this cop’s guff Homer! Tell him where
to go!
CARL
Yeah! ROD-NEY KING! ROD-NEY KING!
LENNY & CARL
ROD-NEY KING!
Barney comes back into consciousness
BARNEY
BUR-GER KING!
Homer succumbs to peer pressure
HOMER, LENNY & CARL
ROD-NEY KING… ROD-NEY KI…
Homer is in mid “Rod-ney” when Officer Lou lowers his face into the window.
One by one he shines it into each passenger’s face. They all look completely wasted until he gets to Homer who is smiling coyly.
OFFICER LOU
So… a night out on the town, hey boys???
HOMER
I know what you’re thinking but I haven’t
had a sip of beer tonight.
LOU
Well, you were doing 55mph
HOMER
(confidently)
I happen to know that’s impossible sir!
LOU
Oh yeah? How is that?
HOMER
(pointing to the dash)
Because I have the cruise control set at 60!
Collective laughs, cheers and high fives from Lenny and Carl in the back seat
LENNY
You’re the man Homer!
BARNEY
BUR-GER KING!
Homer is proud of himself
LOU
Very cute Simpson, but I clocked you
at 55.
Officer Lou holds up his radar gun with ‘55′ showing
HOMER
Ok, but what’s the speed limit here?
LOU
Well, actually, I don’t know. Playgrounds
don’t have them.
We pull out to reveal that Homer was driving in the middle of Springfield Elementary’s playground. His car is wedged under the jungle gym.
HOMER
D’OH…
(to Lenny and Carl)
You guys distracted me!
LOU
You sure you haven’t had anything to drink?
HOMER
I happen to be the designated hitter!
LOU
Well, we’ll see about that… out of the car.
Homer steps out of the car to take a field sobriety test
LOU
Ok Simpson, give me the alphabet backwards,
starting with ‘Z.’
Homer stares blankly at Lou. A breeze blows his three hairs around.
LOU
(sighs)
Ok, well then count backwards from ten.
Homer stares blankly at Lou. A breeze blows his three hairs around.
LOU
(bigger sigh)
Close your eyes, stretch out your arms
and touch the tip of your nose.
Homer closes his eyes and very deliberately and slowly begins to bring his index finger closer and closer to his nose.
We are now in slow motion as Homer’s finger gets closer and closer to his nose.
We cut to Lenny and Carl, their noses pushed against the car’s window watching anxiously.
We zero in on Homer’s finger as it is about to touch his nose. He’s just about there!
In the background, the barflies recklessly drive-by in a pick-up truck. They are swerving and yelling belligerently and obviously drunk. They honk a “hello” to Homer and his pals. This distracts Homers.
Homer violently pokes himself in his own eye.
Homer
AAAAHhhhhhh!
LOU
Well, considering the fact that on last week’s
sobriety test you poked MY eye, I’ll assume
that you ARE sober Simpson.
HOMER
(sarcastically)
Thaaank you! Can we go now?
LOU
(perusing the car, with ticket book in hand)
Ehh, hold on a minute. You gotta be doing
something wrong… broken tail light? Expired
registration? It’s the end of the month and I’m
one ticket short.
HOMER
Hey, I thought you guys don’t work with quotas.
LOU
Nah, that’s just what we tell you so you won’t
think we’re giving you tickets for unjustified reasons.
Barney vomits out his window
LOU
A HA… Littering!
Lou slaps Barney with a ticket.
________________________________
SCENE C
INT – Springfield Court House
Marge (holding Maggie) Lisa and Bart walk into court. The courtroom is bustling with various townspeople; Willie, Snake, Flanders, Officer Lou, etc.
LISA
(to Marge)
I still don’t understand why we all have
to come to court to argue Mr. Gumble’s
ticket.
MARGE
Your father is a character witness for Barney
and we’re here to support him.
Marge, holding Maggie, finds the only unoccupied seats in the courtroom.
MARGE
Here are some seats.
The seats are two next to the aisle and then one in between Snake and another sleazy looking man, both awaiting their cases.
MARGE
Bart, have a seat over there.
Marge, Maggie and Lisa take the 2 seats next to the aisle and Bart is one seat away, between Snake and the other creep.
BART
(to Snake)
What are you in for?
SNAKE
Computer crime.
BART
Did you steal one?
SNAKE
(looks down with shame)
Yes.
BART
(to other creep)
Are you in for a computer crime too?
CREEPY GUY
(very creepily)
Kiiiiiiind of
BART
What do you mean?
CREEPY GUY
Slight myspace misunderstanding.
MARGE
On second thought Bart, why don’t you
sit on my lap too!
Marge grabs Bart and stuffs him on her now very crowded lap next to Maggie.
JUDGE
Case #6241, people of Springfield vs
Comic Book Guy.
Comic Book Guy waddles to the bench.
JUDGE
You are accused of selling souvenirs with
phony autographs on them.
How do you plea?
COMIC BOOK GUY
Not guilty your honor!
JUDGE
(picking up an 8×10, looking at it and then showing it to COMIC BOOK GUY)
So then this actually is autograph of…
Chewbacca.
COMIC BOOK GUY
Yes it is!
JUDGE
And apparently Chewbacca’s last name is…
Weintroub?
COMIC BOOK GUY
It seems that would be the case good sir.
JUDGE
(banging gavel)
Guilty! Defendant will pay a fine.
COMIC BOOK GUY
(in defeat, leaving the courtroom)
Worst verdict ever!!
JUDGE
I now call case #6242, People of Springfield
vs Barnard Gumble in violation of Section 3012,
Vehicular Littering. How do you plea Mr. Gumble?
Barney begins to open his mouth but Homer immediately cuts him off.
Homer appears in an old school southern Gregory Peck/Too Kill a Mocking Bird-esque three piece suit.
He wears his glasses on the tip of his nose and his various files and an open briefcase are on the table in front of him.
HOMER
I OBJECT YOUR HONOR!
JUDGE
Excuse me? Who are you?
HOMER
Homer J. Simpson
JUDGE
You’re objecting to my asking Mr. Gumble what
his plea is?
HOMER
(proudly)
Please allow me to site precedent in the
case of Kramer vs Kramer.
JUDGE
That was a divorce case and it was fictional!
HOMER
Alright, the People vs Larry Flint!
JUDGE
Better. It was a real case but it was a
first amendment issue.
HOMER
Alien vs. Predator??
JUDGE
Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to
add that isn’t from a Hollywood movie?
HOMER
(nervously)
Um, um…
Homer nervously beings to shuffle through the “notes” in his briefcase which are now revealed as dvd boxes such as “A Few Good Men” and “Liar Liar.”
JUDGE
Exactly what is your role here
Mr. Simpson?
HOMER
I happen to be a character witness
for the defendant.
JUDGE
Well then, by all means, take the
stand.
Homer takes the stand.
Bailiff comes over to him with the bible.
BAILIFF
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth so help you
G-d?
HOMER
(grabs the bible)
Hey, what the hell is this thing?
JUDGE
(getting frustrated)
It’s the bible!
HOMER
Well why do I have to swear on it?
JUDGE
Because you honor it Mr. Simpson!
HOMER
(chuckling)
Honor it???
(yelling to Moe)
Hey Moe, isn’t this the same book we use
at the bar to hold up the short leg of the Love
Tester?
FLANDERS (o/s)
Oh my stars!
JUDGE
Be that as it may Mr. Simpson, every witness
in my court room must swear to tell the truth
on the bible.
HOMER
(with authority)
I’ll take the fifth!
JUDGE
(getting very mad)
Ooooh… You can’t take the fifth as witness!
Only someone being incriminated can use his
fifth amendment privileges!
HOMER
Fine, then I wish to incriminate myself!
JUDGE
TO WHAT???
HOMER
Tooooooooo……
(Homer scans the court room. He lands on Officer Lou)
Speeding!
JUDGE
Fine! Five hours community service!
Judge bangs his gavel.
JUDGE (Cont’d)
Now get him out of my courtroom!
Bailiffs drag Homer out of courtroom screaming
HOMER
NOOooo. I’m innocent I tell you!!!
Marge, wait for me!!!
_______________________________________
SCENE D
EXT – Springfield’s Little League Field
Various Springfield youths fill the ball field, some in uniform. Bart’s team is the Lions. It is a very festive atmosphere. We see the likes of Nelson, Martin, Louis, etc., warming up and playing.
Bart is having a catch with Milhouse.
MILHOUSE
Both of my parents are coming today Bart.
I think it’ll be good for them to spend some
time together outside of court.
BART
There’s no way coach is going to play me in the
outfield again today. There’s only two games left
in the season. He’s got to put me in the
infield.
MILHOUSE
This joint custody situation is really taking
its toll on me. Do you think they’ll ever get
back together Bart?
BART
Milhouse, are you even listening to a word
I’m saying?!
MILHOUSE
Sorry Bart
BART
So rude.
We cut to Coach Leo, a burly muscle bound jock in a sweat suit, with a whistle wrapped around his neck
COACH LEO
(blasts his whistle! and then…)
Alright, bring it in Lions, you pansies!!!
BART
This is it Milhouse. He’s going to
announce the line-up.
The team gathers around Coach Leo in a semi-circle. We see Nelson, Milhouse, Louis, Lisa, Martin, Uuter, etc
COACH LEO
(aggressively)
Ok, there only 2 games left and we have
to win at least 1 of them if we want to make
the playoffs. So I don’t want to see anyone
giving up on me out there, ya hear!?!?! And
if we lose, you can find yourself another coach
because I quit!!! Now here’s the line-up.
Nelson Muntz…
NELSON
Yeah?
COACH LEO
Pitcher!
NELSON
ALRIGHT!
COACH LEO
Bart Simpson?
BART
(excitedly)
Right here Coach!!
COACH LEO
First…
Bart’s eyes light up with excitement and anticipation
COACH LEO (cont’d)
…let me tell you who is playing shortstop…
It’s going to be Jimbo.
JIMBO
Sweet!
Bart sulks in disappointment
COACH LEO
Starting at 2nd base is going to be Bart…
Bart’s eyes light up with excitement and anticipation
COACH LEO (Cont’d)
…Simpson’s best friend, Milhouse!
Bart sulks in more disappointment
We cut to the stands which are filled with parents and families.
KIRK VAN HOUTEN
Did you hear that Lou Ann? Our Milhouse
is starting at 2nd base today! Doesn’t that
make you proud?
A few people away, Lou Ann Van Houten is seated with her arm interlocked inside of Duffman’s
LOU ANN VAN HOUTEN
That’s not 50 yards Kirk!
We cut back to Coach Leo
COACH LEO
And finally, to round out the infield,
at third base today will be Bert Sampson
BART
YES!!! I knew it.
(to the outfield “losers” such as Martin, Ralph and Lisa)
Sooo loooong LOS-ERS!!! Have fun
in the vast green abyss we like to call,
“the outfield.”
LISA
He said “Bert Sampson”
BART
What?? Who the hell is Bert Sampson?
We zoom in to a new kid who is as smooth, cool and athletic looking as can be.
His blonde locks are flowing in the wind. Sherry and Terry are draped over each of his arms.
SHERRY
He models for Abercrombie!
TERRY
He smells like brownies!
BERT
Ready when you are coach.
Bert spits out a rather large amount of chewing tobacco.
BART
Uhh, this can’t be good.
COACH LEO
The rest of you, have a seat on a bench
and I’ll try to get you into the outfield when
we’re losing by more than 11 runs.
The players scatter in different directions
BART
Umm, Coach, what about me?
COACH LEO
Simpson, you’re a very important part of
this team. You’re my secret go-to weapon
late in the game.
BART
(believing him)
Really??
COACH LEO
Yes! It’s a very dignified role you play.
Now go have a seat on the
bench next to your younger sister.
BART
Uhh, but coach, I want to play!
COACH LEO
OK, I’ll try to get you in to play right
field later.
BART
Right field Coach? But that’s Ralph’s
position and he has to wear a helmet
in the field!
We cut to a very far away shot of Ralph Wiggum, standing very alone in the large green void that is right field.
He is wearing a batting helmet backwards and is chewing on his glove.
CHIEF WIGGUM (o/s)
Ralphy honey, if you eat that glove, I’m not
buying you another one again.
UMPIRE
PLAAAAAAAY BALL!!
____________________________
SCENE E
Ext. - A Springfield street.
Homer and Marge (holding Maggie) are walking along
MARGE
While Bart and Lisa are at little league,
we can figure out what to do for your
community service.
HOMER
AAAaaawwww… Five hours community
service!!! What the heck does that even
mean??
MARGE
It means doing something to help the
community
HOMER
How is that supposed to benefit me???
MARGE
It’s not.. it’s supposed to benefit the
community.
HOMER
Well, I am a part of the community aren’t
I Marge?
MARGE
Well… yes, I guess…
HOMER
(looking at a pamphlet)
…and none of the suggestions for
community service in this pamphlet I
got at the court house seem like fun at all.
MARGE
Let me see that…
(Marge takes the pamphlet)
…that’s because this is for NFL players only
We see the cover of the pamphlet has a picture of a quarterback in action and reads, ‘Intercepted By The Cops? Now What?’
Homer stops walking
HOMER
Ok, so what can I do???
We pull out to reveal that Homer and Marge happen to have stopped in front of the Church. The sign on the mini marquee reads ‘Clothing Drive Today.’
MARGE
Heeeey… why don’t we volunteer five
hours of our time at the church clothing
drive. That could be fun.
HOMER
(whining)
HOOOOOW can that POSSIBLY be fun?!?!
MARGE
Well, we can try
HOMER
AHhhhh… fine! But as soon as I sense
the fun stopping, we’re outta there.
The Camera stays outside as Homer and Marge swing the Church door open and enter.
Off screen, we overhear Ned Flanders from inside the church.
NED (o/s)
Hello Neighborinos!
Homer catches the door in the back swing and he and Marge leave as quickly as they entered.
HOMER
How many hours left?
_________________________
Scene F:
Ext. – Springfield’s Little League Field
We are back at Bart’s and Lisa’s little league game.
A musical montage ensues. It depicts Bart’s team making various bad plays and assumingly losing the game;
*A hard grounder is attempted to be fielded by Uuter. It takes a bad hop, hits him in the gut and knocks the wind out of him. The ball trickles a few feet away. Clutching his ribs, he staggers to grab it just as the other team’s base runner side swipes him, spinning him around and knocking him down.
*Coach motions towards the bench for someone to replace Uutter, but it is not Bart. It is Martin, sitting next to Bart. Bart exudes rejection.
*A fly ball is hit in Ralph’s direction. Ralph does not move an inch in any direction. It sails past him and lands about 5 feet away. The frozen smile never leaves Ralph’s face.
*Coach motions for Lisa, on Bart’s other side, to take Ralph’s place in the outfield
*The other team has bases loaded
*Bert Sampson makes a diving play at 3rd, gets up and rifles it to second, where it hits Milhouse squarely in the glasses, which go flying off his face. He is unconscious and led off the field by stretcher
The musical montage stops.
We see that Bart’s team has a runner on 1st and 2nd base.
COACH LEO (to himself)
Ok, we have runners on 1st and 2nd. Who’s up?
He looks down to his scorecard and peruses the names with his finger. It stops on “Sampson, Bert”
COACH LEO (Cont’d)
Oh, thank you thank you.
SAMPSON… Where the hell are
you???
We cut to Bert Sampson who is on the side signing autographs for younger children and girls who are pining over him
BERT SAMPSON
Right here Coach
COACH LEO
Get in there, you’re up!!!
Bert Sampson steps up to the plate in slow motion. He could not look more professional and egotistical. He circles the plate before putting on two batting gloves, nestling himself in to the batter’s box by digging in with his cleats and holding one arm up to have the umpire wait for him to get ready.
We cut to the fans who are all watching closely, seemingly both because of the games magnitude and how attractive and athletic Bert Sampson is appearing.
The slow motion ends and the crowd noise continues.
A split second later, Bert Sampson is hit in the face with a fastball.
We hear a shocked “OOOOooooh” from the audience out of clear concern for Bert’s health
COACH LEO
Oh my G0d!
(seemingly concerned for Bert but…)
We have the bases loaded!
Now who’s up?
Coach again looks down to his scorecard and peruses the names with his finger. It goes past “Sampson, Bert” and lands on “Wiggum, Ralph”
Coach looks over to the bench.
We see Ralph sitting with his batting helmet backwards.
Ralph has seemingly eaten his entire glove as he is seen slurping up the last visible remainder; one of the hide strings, as if it were spaghetti
COACH LEO
Uhhh, I think I’ll pinch hit.
Coach peruses his bench to look at his available pinch hitters. First is Bart who is sitting next to Ralph, anxiously awaiting his name to be called.
We pan right to his other “option,” a passed out homeless man sleeping on the dugout bench. He goes back and forth between Bart and the homeless man until finally…
COACH LEO
(to Bart)
Simpson!?
BART
(excitedly anticipating being called up to bat)
Yeah Coach!!
COACH LEO
Is he drunk or just sleeping?
BART
Drunk sir!!!
COACH LEO
(sighs)
Ok Simpson, you’re up!
Bart gasps with excitement. He grabs the bat that is leaning on the bench to his right. He then grabs the helmet off of Ralph’s head to his left.
Under Ralph’s batting helmet, is a football helmet.
Bart runs to home plate.
_____________________________
Scene G
Ext. – A Springfield Street
Homer and Marge continue their walk around town having just left the church
MARGE
Ok. So church didn’t pay off…
HOMER
(bitterly)
Duh… Like it EVER does!?
MARGE
But heeeeey… how about feeding the homeless.
Look! They’re turning that trendy restaurant into a
new soup kitchen!
(Marge points across the street at a mission)
It is a newly erected mission, still under final construction. There is a worker making slight adjustments to the sign on top, which reads ‘NOBU,’ so that it reads ‘HOBO’
Homer and Marge walk in
The Pimply Teen, wearing a Volunteer’s vest, walks right over to Homer
PIMPLY TEEN
(takes Homer by an arm and very sympathetically…)
Right this way sir… let’s get you out of those
clothes and get some nice hot soup in you…
MARGE
No no no… he’s here to volunteer. He’s
not…
HOMER
…Take it easy Marge!
(to Pimply Teen)
Now, this soup you speak of… does it
include a meat and/or something
in the melted cheese family?
MARGE
Homer, cut it out!
(to Pimply Teen)
We’d like to speak to someone about
volunteering a few hours of our time.
PIMPLY TEEN
Yes ma’am, just have a word with
the supervisor…
Pimply Teen motions to a man behind a counter wearing an apron with his back towards Homer and Marge
There is a ‘hotel style’ service bell on the counter between them
HOMER
Excuse me.
Supervisor does not respond.
HOMER
(a little agitated)
EX-CUSE ME!
(rings the bell)
“Diiiiing”
Supervisor turns around to reveal that he is Ned Flanders
NED
Well well, doesn’t this put the “Ding” in
“Co-in-key-dink,” Marge and Homer Simpson
twice in one day!
HOMER
Wha?!!? Flanders! We just saw you at
the church two minutes ago. How did you
even get here so fast??
And besides, shouldn’t a good parent spend
at least some time (Homer elbowing Marge)
with their kids on the weekend? And don’t
pull that ‘they’re with their mother’ crap
because I happen to know she’s dead! So
just where are Barry and Larry???
NED
Well sir, if you mean Rod and Todd by g0d, they’re
over there manning the potato bar.
We flash over to Rod and Todd, both in aprons, serving potatoes to the homeless
ROD
(waving a serving spoon)
Come Christian brothers!
TODD
Nourishment awaits!
We cut back to Flanders, Homer and Marge
NED
Where are Bart and Lisa today?
HOMER
Well, not that it’s any of your business,
but they happen to be right where we
left them, under the supervision of their
psychotic little league coach.
MARGE
How long have you been feeding the
homeless Ned?
NED
Actually Marge, around here we call them
“Dwelling deprived.”
MARGE
Oh.. well, we’d like to volunteer to help
if we can.
NED
Now doesn’t that just put the ‘soup’ in
‘super!’ Come right this way…
Homer and Marge follow Ned around the counter
HOMER
(to Marge only)
Maaarge… I can’t take any more “doesn’t
that put the BLEH in BLEHs” Can’t we try
something else?
MARGE
No Homer! We’re here and we’re going
to help Ned and pay your debt to society.
NED
Well Marge, heeeere’s a ladle m’lady so
you can serve didley-erve the soup.
MARGE
Great!
Ned and Homer proceed.
They stop by a trey of hero sandwiches, ready to be served.
NED
Homer, why don’t you start by serving
sandwiches.
HOMER
Ok. What do I do?
NED
Well, you just give each customer the
sandwich they want with a smile on your
face!
HOMER
I just do that and I’m done with my
community service?
NED
Indeed-erino
HOMER
Sounds simple enough
A decrepit looking man in tattered clothes comes staggering down the line.
MAN
(possibly drunk)
Ham and cheese please.
HOMER
Yes sir!
Homer grabs a sandwich plate and goes to hand it to the man.
MAN
(slurring)
Would you mind cutting that in half
please?
Homer looks at Ned and winks as if to say, ‘no sweat,’ and then looks back to Man.
HOMER
(picks up a knife)
How many halves would you like that
in sir?
MAN
(beat)
What the hell are you talking about?
HOMER
(under pressure with Ned watching but trying to retain his smile…)
Uhh, how many halves…
MAN
You can only cut an object in two halves
moron… unless you plan on redefining
geometry as Euclid of Alexandria last did
in 300 BC.
HOMER
(losing his temper, raising the knife and about to lounge)
Who are you calling a moron you dwelling
deprived wino…
Ned blocks out Homer just in time.
NED
AAAAHhh, I tell you what Homer…
(leading Homer away)
Why don’t you take “Roll Patrol.”
Just give one roll to each customer
as they come down the line!
Homer is placed behind a trey of dinner rolls, stacked high in a pyramid.
HOMER
(enthusiastically, with his hand in a “bulls eye” position)
OK!!
Ned walks away from Homer and towards Marge. Homer leaves the picture for the moment.
NED
(addressing both Marge and Homer but walking towards Marge)
The lunch rush should be starting pretty
soon…
Ned turns around and paces back towards Homer who now appears again on the screen
NED
…so I’ll come back in about an hour to
replenish your..
As he is speaking, he walks back past Homer’s post, where the once proud pyramid of rolls, which stood a second ago, is now down to a very pathetic looking stack of 3, two on the bottom, one on top and a whole lot of crumbs.
NED
(irate)
Homer!!! What happened to all of
your rolls?!!?!?
We zoom into reveal Homer’s face. His head looks like it is about to explode and his mouth could not possibly fit even a peanut.
Only because of the mass of food that is inside his mouth, Homer can not close his mouth all the way. We see the slight semblance a dinner rolls peering out from inside his mouth.
HOMER
(mumbling and barely audible)
I dunno
We cut to Marge and Homer being physically kicked out of the mission by the Pimply Teen.
PIMPLY TEEN
You’re fired! And don’t come back…
Homer raises his finger in the air and opens his mouth as if about to respond by making a point to the Pimply Teen…
PIMPLY TEEN
…as a customer either!!!
HOMER
Oooohh.
The door is slammed in their faces.
MARGE
This is so embarrassing.
Homer realizes that is fly is open and zips it up…
HOMER
Ohhh (Chuckles). You’re right!
MARGE
(frustrated)
NOT YOUR FLY!!!
Dejected, Homer slowly lowers his fly back down.
_____________________________
SCENE H
Ext. – Springfield’s Little League Field
Homer and Marge approach the Little League field. They take their seats in the crowded bleachers next to Moe. Moe is on the edge of his seat, with fists clenched.
MOE
Homer, you’re just in time.
HOMER
What do you mean Moe?
MOE
Bart’s up. It’s the bottom of the
9th, two outs and the bases are
loaded.
Homer gasps with excitement.
HOMER
What’s the score???
MOE
Bart’s team is losing 22 to nothing.
HOMER
22 – nothing???
MOE
(never taking his eyes off of the “action,” and now squeezing large amounts of cash in his hands)
Yeah, but the spread is 21 and I got a
hot tip on this Bert Sampson kid.
MARGE
You bet on a little league game?
MOE
Hey, what can I say? Some of these
housewife-soccer moms really
secretly long for the bad boy type.
(hitting on young pretty girl sitting near him)
Isn’t that right young lady???
We zero in on Moe’s creepy ugly face as he winks at the attractive Soccer Mom next to him
SOCCER MOM
AAAAhhhhhh!!!
Lady screams dramatically and flees
Moe tries his luck with another soccer mom, heavier and not as pretty as the first.
She sits a little further away with her purse on her lap, with her keys in her hand.
MOE
How about you beautiful? Umm…
Ah…
Moe looks around for something to spark some conversation.
He points to her keychain.
MOE
Hey… that sure is a fancy shmancy
keychain heh heh.
SOCCER MOM #2
It’s a rape whistle!
MOE
Oh yeah. I couldn’t tell from over here.
Yeah, yeah, that’s the Jansen V174 isn‘t
it. And a fine whistle at that. Say, does
that still come with the…
Soccer Mom #2 points at Moe and blows as hard as she could into the whistle, letting a blaring shriek out.
Moe turns away and ends the conversation as fast as possible.
Soccer Mom #2 goes right back to watching the game.
Resigning himself to Patty, who is the only option left, sitting and smoking next to Selma who is doing the same, Moe sparks up a conversation..
MOE (to Patty)
Uhhhhhhhh, Hey, ah… that’s one of them
Lance Armstrong bracelets isn’t it…
*Patty is wearing a rubber yellow bracelet
MOE
…yeah, what do those mean again?
PATTY
(without breaking stride, avoiding any eye contact with Moe and taking a huge drag from her cigarette…)
It’s for cancer awareness.
Patty exhales a huge cloud of smoke into her neighbor‘s faces, who all proceed to hack and cough.
We cut back to Bart’s at bat.
He’s digging in, determined and eyeing the pitcher.
HOMER
(from the bleachers, very enthusiastically)
C’mon boy! You can do it!!!
The pitcher fires the first pitch in there.
Bart swings and whiffs.
UMPIRE
STRIIIIIIIKE ONE!
HOMER
(from the bleachers, still excited but a little less enthusiastic)
Uhh.. that’s ok boy. You still got ‘em!
The pitcher fires his second pitch in there.
Bart swings and whiffs.
UMPIRE
STRIIIIIIKE TWO!!!
HOMER
(from the bleachers, a little desperate now)
A walk’s as good as a hit!
The pitcher fires his third pitch in there.
Bart swings and whiffs.
UMPIRE
STRIIIIIIKE THREE!!! That’s the ball
game!!!
The other team celebrates as Bart, with his head down and dragging his bat, makes his way back to the dugout.
HOMER
Ooooh. Why was he even up there?
Coach blasts his whistle as hard and loud as he could.
COACH LEO
That’s it. I knew you little losers
would blow it again.
The kids on the team are cowering in the dugout.
COACH LEO
Well, you punks can just take someone
else down with you because I QUIT!!!
It’s back to Rabbinical school for me!!!
Find someone else to volunteer their
time.
The last line of the Coach’s diatribe, ’…to volunteer their time’ strikes a cord with Marge.
MARGE
Volunteer their time. Homer are you
thinking what I’m thinking?
HOMER (to his brain)
Quick brain, what are we thinking?
HOMER’S INNER MONOLOGE
How about an invention for an
electrically generated glass illuminating
pod?
HOMER (to Marge)
Are you thinking of inventing an
electrically generated glass illuminating
pod?
MARGE
No Homer, that’s a light bulb. I was
thinking that YOU can volunteer your
time as coach of the team and use it
as your community service.
HOMER
Marge, you’re a genius. That’s an even
better idea than the light bulb. I’ll do it!
Homer approaches the coach as he is in mid-rampage berating the kids and blowing his whistle.
HOMER
Hey! You can’t yell at these kids like
that! You think you’re so cool because
you have that whistle?
COACH
Ok… then YOU coach the team!
HOMER
Ooohh… can I have your whistle?
COACH LEO
NO!
HOMER
Awww
Coach Leo storms away and the kids are left sitting and staring at Homer, waiting for an inspirational speech.
Awkward silence ensues.
HOMER
Uhhhh. Well… I know I haven’t been around
much but… ah… I’ve been following you guys
all season.
Homer doesn’t know what to say…
HOMER
Uhhhh… We didn’t have our best game
today… but we have one game left tomorrow…
and we have to win that one to make the
playoffs…
He’s getting more confident…
HOMER
so… get a lot of sleep… and… get here nice and
early for batting practice!!
Getting excited…
Kids are starting to pay attention and buy in..
HOMER
And we’ll mop the floor with those TIGERS!!!
Collective cheers
Kirk Van Houten corrects him…
KIRK VAN HOUTEN
Royals!
HOMER
-ROYALS!
HOMER
And I don’t want to see anyone burning
themselves out with school work. In fact…
I forbid any of you to do any homework at
all tonight!!!
The kids jump up in the air enthralled and screaming.
Bart is still sad.
KIDS (in unison)
YEA!!! LIONS!!! LIONS!!!
The meeting breaks up as the kids scramble in all different directions.
HOMER (to Bart)
Don’t worry boy. We’re gonna be
fine tomorrow. I really think that
as long as everything goes as expected
it’s going to be juuuust fii….
Bert Sampson approaches Homer…
BERT
Coach Simpson, I have a photo shoot
tomorrow so I won’t be here. Good
luck!!
HOMER
D’OH!!!
_______________________________
SCENE I
Int. – The Simpson Household, Bart’s room
Bart is lying on his bed, staring up at his ceiling feeling despondent.
Homer walks by and notices Bart, down in the dumps. He enters his room and sits down on Bart’s bed next to him.
HOMER
What’s the matter boy?
BART
I suck at baseball.
HOMER
Baaaart. You don’t suck. You just have
to keep practicing and you’ll get better
and better. Remember when Daddy took
took up smoking? I was coughing and
wheezing and short of breath all the time.
But after a little dedication, soon enough,
they were going down like M&M’s and I
stopped even noticing the smell of my breath
and clothes that was repulsing everyone
I know.
BART
Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I lost the
game for us today.
Marge walks by to overhear the conversation.
HOMER
Bart, just because you made the last out
doesn’t meat you lost the game for us.
We were losing 22-0 when you struck out
on three straight pitches. Even if you had
hit a grand slam, (gazes into space) which
would have been sweeeeet, (back to Bart)
we still would have been down 22-4 in the
last inning of the game. Baseball’s a team
sport. We would have still lost… as a team.
BART
(sincerely)
Thanks Homer
Bart embraces Homer.
HOMER
(tucking Bart in)
Now… get a good nights sleep because
we’re gonna need you for tomorrow’s
big game.
BART
Good night dad.
HOMER
Good night boy.
Homer kisses good night Bart on the forehead
Marge is touched, listening from the hallway and retreats to her room before Homer realizes that she was listening.
Homer exits Bart’s room and is proudly walking down the hall, when he notices Lisa in her room, also sad.
Homer enters Lisa’s room and sits on her bed.
HOMER
What’s the matter with YOU honey?
LISA
I’m worried about Bart dad.
HOMER
What do you mean?
LISA
He doesn’t have a hit all year and tomorrow
could be our last game. These are very
developmental years for Bart and not only will
he have all his friends there watching, but now
his father is the coach too. I don’t know if he
can handle coming up short again.
HOMER
(shocked)
He doesn’t have a hit all year???
LISA
(worried)
No.
HOMER
Ooooooh… er… well.. (composes himself)
listen honey… you have to stop worrying
about other people. Do you honestly think
Bart’s in there thinking about you? Of course
he’s not. All you can concentrate on is how
you’ll play tomorrow.
LISA
I don’t have a hit all year either.
HOMER
(up to the heavens)
Oooooohhhh… We’re dead!
____________________________________
SCENE J
INT. - Marge and Homer’s Bedroom
Homer is sitting in bed in his pajamas, glasses on the tip of his nose, with a bunch of papers, books and magazines scattered around the bed and in his lap.
Marge sits on the bed next to Homer.
MARGE
(acting affectionately and seductively rubbing Homer’s shoulders)
Homey, that was very sweet, the
way you spoke you spoke to Bart
in there.
HOMER
(brushing Marge away)
No time for that now woman. I’ve got
19 hours until the game tomorrow
and I’ve got to find a way to win without
that dreeeamboat Bert Sampson. And
none of these magazines have any insider
tips. Look at this…
As Homer reads off the magazine titles, he holds them up for Marge to see…
HOMER (cont’d)
…‘Sporting News,’ ‘Sports Illustrated,’
‘Popular Science‘… I even tried ‘Unpopular
Science‘…
Homer holds up a copy of ‘Unpopular Science,’ which has a picture of ‘The Evolution of Man’ on the cover.
MARGE
Oh Homer. I’m sure you’ll figure
something out. It’s just so nice to see
you taking such an interest in the kids.
Marge takes out a wrapped gift.
MARGE
Homey, I know tomorrow is the big game
and that you were always fond of whistles,
so I got you an early birthday present.
Marge hands Homer a wrapped gift box
HOMER
Early??? Marge, my birthday was more than
11 and a half months ago!
MARGE
No Homer. This is a present for your
birthday on Tuesday.
HOMER
Ooooh, you remembered.
Homer unwraps the box to find a shiny silver coach’s whistle. He turns it over to reveal an engraving… “To A Wonderful Daddy and Husband… Love Marge”
HOMER
Aww. Thanks Marge.
Homer and Marge share a hug.
____________________________________________________________
SCENE K
Ext. – Springfield’s Little League Field
We are in the Lions’ dugout. There is anxiety and chatter as the kids are getting ready for the big game.
Homer is wearing a Lions cap and the whistle around his neck.
BART
Ok Dad. We’re ready for a big
motivational speech. You can do it.
The kids gather around Homer, fixated on him.
HOMER
Ok…
We over hear Coach Leo…
COACH LEO (O/S)
Listen up you little punks… because
I’m not going to say this twice…
Homer turns around to see that Coach Leo is now coaching the Royals.
HOMER
(from across the field)
Hey!!! How are you coaching the
Royals now???
We see Coach Leo in the Royals dugout, with a Royals uniform on and a yarmulke
on his head.
COACH LEO
Who knew that Rabbinical schools
don’t meet on Saturdays!?! Heh Heh.
HOMER
Ooooooh.
We jump ahead to the last inning of the game.
The scoreboard reads ‘Royals 1, Lions 0,’ bottom of the 9th, one out.
Homer and everyone else is entirely emotionally invested in the game.
We see Homer up against the Umpire/Martin Prince’s father’s chest, screaming and hysterical.
Spit is flying from Homer’s mouth onto the Umpire/Martin Prince’s father’s face.
HOMER
(poking him in the chest)
You gotta be kidding me!!! Are we even
watching the same game??? Are you blind???
How… do… you… sleep at night… JERK!?!?
MR. PRINCE
(very timidly)
Ahhh… I’m not the umpire Homer.
My son Martin is on your team. We
gave you a ride to the game today.
It is revealed that Homer is standing by the bleachers and not even on the field.
Homer kicks a pile of dirt onto Mr. Prince’s legs.
MR. PRINCE
Why???
Homer makes his way back to the dugout to find his team anxiously awaiting some guidance.
HOMER
Ok. It’s the last inning but we’re only
down one run. Let’s hear some chatter!
The team musters up very few unenthusiastic grunt/cheers.
HOMER
What the heck is that? Do want to win
or not. Let me hear something?!!?
The team musters up the exact same very few unenthusiastic grunt/cheers.
HOMER
THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!!!
From behind the dugout, Kirk Van Hauten appears…
KIRK VAN HAUTEN
I just got here Homer. What’s the
score?
HOMER
They’re winning 1-0.
KIRK VAN HAUTEN
We haven’t scored one run off of
this pitcher???
HOMER
Yeah, but I think he’s a ringer. I have
my suspicions that he might be older
than ten years old.
We cut to the other team’s pitcher, who is revealed as Hans Moleman in a 1910’s type baseball uniform, complete with baggy pants, beanie-type hat and a tiny glove.
HANS MOLEMAN
Please take me out Skip
KIRK VAN HAUTEN
Well, at least Milhouse is up next.
(points to Milhouse)
That should get the offense rolling.
We cut to Milhouse in the on-deck circle. He picks up two bats, with donuts on them, to warm up with. However, the weight proves to be too much for him when he falls down on the backswing, dropping both bats.
HOMER
Not so fast cracker man. Nelson…
pinch hit for Milhouse!
Nelson walks over to Milhouse, who is still lying in the on deck circle. He looks at the two bats on the ground, deciding which one to warm up with. He opts to pick up
Milhouse and swing him around like a bat.
MILHOUSE
Whoaa Whoaa Whoaa
We cut back to Homer and Kirk…
KIRK VAN HAUTEN
YOU’RE PINCH HITTING FOR MILHOUSE??
It’s the last inning of the game. How could
you do this to him?
Milhouse walks over to the conversation and stands behind Homer…
HOMER
(patronizingly putting his hand on Kirk‘s shoulder)
It’s becaaaause he stinks.
Milhouse taps Homer…
MILHOUSE
Mr. Simpson. You said that all we
had to do was believe in ourselves.
Did you just say that I stink?
HOMER
Milhouse… I would never say
that to your face.
Nelson steps up to the plate and blasts a hit to the outfield.
The crowd goes crazy.
We see Marge cheering amongst the other parents.
Nelson rounds second and goes for third, just as the ball is coming in..
Nelson dives head first into third causing a cloud of dust.
Everyone is on the edge of their seat as the dust is settling.
As the dust settles, we see Nelson is standing on third base smoking a cigarette.
UMPIRE
SAFE!!!
HOMER
WOO HOO!!! Tying run on third.
Homer looks at his scorecard.
His finger peruses the line-up
HOMER
Whose Up? Whose Up? Whose Up?
We cut to Homer’s scorecard as he looks to see who follows Nelson in the order…
His finger stops on “Jones, Jimbo.” Next to his name is a list of what he has done in the game so far; single, triple, single, etc.
HOMER
YES! Jimbo, you’re up!
Jimbo steps up to the plate. We are now in slow motion as it is the critical moment of the game. The fans and players on each side are on the edge of their seats.
The pitcher is about to pitch when we hear…
COACH LEO
Time Out!
We snap out of slow motion…
HOMER
Huh?
COACH LEO
(to pitcher)
Intentionally walk Jimbo…
Jimbo trots down to first. Dolph steps up to the plate until…
COACH LEO
(to pitcher)
…and Dolph too!
HOMER
(utterly confused)
Wha? Now we have bases loaded.
Why would he…
Homer looks at his scorecard to see who is up after Dolph..
HOMER
(disappointed and sarcastic)
Oh great, the girl’s up!
MARGE
What girl? You mean LISA?
HOMER
Yeah, that’s the one.
We cut to Coach Leo who is laughing evilly.
Lisa very timidly begins to walk to the plate.
Homer, equally as nervous, starts to bombard Lisa with tips..
HOMER
Just keep your eye on the
ball honey…
LISA
Ok dad
HOMER
Choke up on the bat honey…
LISA
Ok dad
The pitcher fires the first pitch in.
Lisa looks at it.
UMPIRE
STRIIIIIIKE ONE!
Coach Leo is laughing.
Homer is nervous.
HOMER
Maybe step a little closer to
the plate sweetie.
LISA
Ok dad.
Lisa, very timidly, takes a step closer to the plate.
The pitcher fires the second pitch in.
Lisa looks at it.
UMPRIRE
STRIIIIIKE TWO!
Homer is nervous but then gets an idea.
HOMER
(suspiciously)
Lisa, maybe take another step a little
closer to the plate
Lisa very gingerly moves closer to the plate.
LISA
But dad, I’m going to be too
close…
The third pitch is fired in and nails Lisa. She is flung back.
MARGE
Oh my!
HOMER
Tie game!!! Tie game!!!
Lisa gets up and trots to first.
Nelson scores the tying run.
HOMER
Now whose up?
Homer looks over to the on deck circle to see a cowering Bart who looks anything but confident.
BART
I think I am.
The smile escapes from Homer’s face.
HOMER
Oh
BART
Listen dad. This is for the playoffs.
You can pinch hit for me if you want.
HOMER
Bart, that’s very nice of you but we
don’t even have any…
Bert Sampson comes running in from the parking lot..
BERT
Coach Simpson! Coach Simpson, I’m
here. My photo shoot ended early. I
personally thought we needed more
{insert industry name of certain pose here}
(Bert strikes a pose)
but I guess my loss is your gain. Do you
need me to pinch hit?
Homer looks back and forth between Bart and Bert, weighing his options. Bart’s puppy dog eyes are waiting for a decision. Bert’s hair is flowing magnificently.
HOMER
Grab some pine pretty boy! Simpson,
you’re up!
Bart hugs Homer
BART
Thanks dad.
HOMER
(very sincerely)
Do you best Boy.
Bart steps up the plate.
The crowd is once again on the edges of their seats.
Coach Leo looks confident that Bart will come up short.
We see the loaded bases and the scoreboard which now reads, 1-1.
The pitcher fires the first pitch in.
Bart swings and misses.
UMPIRE
STRIIIIIKE ONE!!!
Homer is biting his nails.
LISA
(from first base)
C’mon Bart! You can do it!
The pitcher fires the second pitch in.
Bart swings and misses.
UMPIRE
STRIIIIIKE TWO!!!
Everyone is awaiting the next pitch.
Marge is on the edge of her seat.
The Lion’s dugout is on their feet.
Slow motion ensues…
The pitcher fires in the third pitch
Bart blindly swings and makes contact.
The ball goes high and far.
The people in the bleachers stand up.
Bart gasps and starts running to first.
Homer is frozen, watching the ball.
The outfielder is retreating and retreating.
Bart is watching as he rounds first.
The outfielder is against the wall… he sticks up his glove… and makes the catch.
Homer can’t believe it’s not a home run
Bart stops his trot in shock but also not realizing…
Jimbo tags up from third and scores the winning run.
The Lions win.
The team goes crazy.
Bart is carried off the field.
Coach Leo can’t believe it.
Homer is ecstatic. He is jumping around and going crazy. He puts Bart on his shoulders.
MARGE
Oh Homer. This is the biggest high
I’ve ever seen you on with out non-
performance enhancing drugs.
HOMER
(as excited as can be)
This has nothing to do with alcohol. It’s
the sheer magic of the moment mixed
with some alcohol.
Homer puts Bart down.
BART
Dad, you believed in me and I got
the winning hit. Thanks!
They embrace.
HOMER
(on the verge of tears of pride, barely gets the words out…)
A sacrifice fly doesn’t count as a ’hit’
in the box score boy.
BART
I just want you to know how much
spending this time together has meant to
me dad. You’re the best.
HOMER
It’s meant a lot to me too boy.
The skinny corporate lawyer, wearing a suit and holding his briefcase approaches Homer..
CORPORATE LAWYER
(handing Homer a piece of paper)
Mr. Simpson, it’s my duty to inform you
that you have officially served your five
hours community service and are no longer
under governmental obligation to perform
said services.
HOMER
Woo Hoo! Off to Moe’s!
Homer sprints away from the field, almost knocking Bart over.
Cue: ‘Cats and the Cradle’
___________________________
The End.